Revelations of A confused heart

Been awhile

2006-06-14T19:38:00.000-04:00

Wow its been a while. Didn't realize how much I neglected to write. So much has happened but like I always say its easier to write about the bad things than the good. I don't even have much to say now but I figured I'd just write something.

Right now my life is blessed. No where near perfect but not awful enough to complain. I've continued to surround myself with positive people and I'm always surrounded by love. I've even found a love much deeper than I ever thought possible. I guess my life has taken a turn for the better. For now I'll continue to pray and givve God the glory for all he has done, is doing and will do in my life.

2006-05-08T21:33:00.000-04:00

Best Major Event of the Year!!! CASA FEST III!!!

2006-05-07T00:51:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't quite know how to put my frutrations into words. Thats all I got so far.

Erasing the past

2006-04-30T02:03:00.000-04:00

Funny, I don't think some people deserve my love. Sounds a bit conceited but it has nothing to do with me thinking I'm too good. See, there are some people that I go out of my way to help even when I know they probably won't appreciate it. Hoping that maybe they'll understand I care. Maybe they'll realize that the things I've said and the things I do are genuine. But some people, a small few, don't. They take what I offer and never look back. Once I've given them a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or even an extra edge in the right direction, they walk away. Never saying thanks, and even erasing me from their memory. Almost as if to say, "you've served your purpose and are no longer needed". Those people, the small few, don't deserve my love. So in the end, they may benefit from what I have given them, whether its friendship, money, or help to reach their dreams but its ok 'cause I'll benefit too. I'll grow stronger. I'll know better next time. And in the mean time I'll appreciate those that do deserve my love. And those that took advantage, well karma is a bitch! LOL

2006-04-27T02:18:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling. No body knows the turmoil I'm facing and the shoulders to lean on have dwindled down. I'm back to wearing the painted on smile while I pop in and out of my own life. Haven't really been up to facing the world lately and I've been pretty successful at avoiding life. But I know eventually it will catch up to me. As always I face my struggles alone and try my best not to let my burdens break my spirit. I'll continue to struggle because I know I will succeed. So some day soon I'll return to life. I'll face it head on. 'Til then, well, I'll be here somewhere, making random appearances in my own life.

2006-04-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

Its funny how you get all caught up in your own troubles without realizing other people need you.

Mixed emotions

2006-04-04T00:20:00.000-04:00

Lately my heart has been slightly torn. I'm working hard on my future but a small fraction of my heart is still lookin back over my shoulder. Not quite sure what these feelings mean. Maybe I'm just lonely and can't help holding on to what is physically closer. Or maybe when my mind moved on my heart held on. Either way it doesn't matter. What I had is lost and what I have, well thats yet to be seen. Guess its taking longer than I thought it would, but I'm gonna get past it.

Hope, Faith, Life

2006-03-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

Hope is a funny thing. I think I got it confused with faith somewhere along the lines. I guess I thought that hoping something would happen was the same thing as having faith it would. But today I realized that just because I hope something will happen doesn't mean it will. Some changes aren't meant to take place and some wishes aren't meant to be granted. Although this is true my faith isn't supposed to be shaken. I'm supposed to believe that these things are the way they are because thats how they are meant to be. But the problem is being able to tell the difference. How can I tell when I'm supposed to have faith in something happening and when I'm supposed to just assume that things are the way they are. These enigmas of life cause me constant turmoil because I never know when to let things go. I always feel like I'm giving up to soon. The confusion is, if I'm supposed to have faith I should never give up on what I believe in but if somethings are meant to be the way they are then I shouldn't even try. So how do I know the difference? If I could answer this question my life would run so much smoother.

GOD IS GOOD!

2006-03-08T00:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a blog in a long time but I just wanted to come on here and give my testimony. GOD IS GOOD! Every obstacle that has tried to step in my way he has removed. People who sought to hold me back he has removed. And all sources of stress and worry in my life he has removed. I'm still not 100% in my walk and I know I have a long way to go. But my faith is strong and with God at my side I know I'm getting there. And for those who see things working in my life, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed!

2006-02-18T01:13:00.000-05:00

Damn I miss you!

2006-02-13T01:45:00.000-05:00

I realize I have yet to devote a blog entry about you, my heart, my love. Every time I have begun to write about you I couldn't get the words together. I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to say. How could I possibly put into words how I feel. I don't know how to explain the new outlook on love you've given me. Except to say, what we have was put together by God himself. All circumstances surrounding us being together should've made it impossible for this to work. But by the grace of God it does. And I know this thing we have is of God's work because when I pray for us I never ask for exactly what I want. I don't pray for the forever I want in my heart. I don't even pray for us to be together tomorrow. All I ask is for is His will to be done in our relationship. And He continues to move obstacles out of our way. And in the meantime our love grows stronger daily. You love me in a way that I've never been loved. You love me, faults and all. Despite the person I am, you love me. Aside from God and family, you are the first to show me true agape, unconditional, love. And no matter what our outcome maybe, whether we make it to that hill in 2007 or the lord sees fit for us to be apart, you've taught me the best lesson any man has ever taught me, Love is real!

I LOVE YOU C.A.L.

2006-02-13T01:36:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to be patient and wait on the lord but at times it is just soo tough. My heart yearns for one thing but my soul is telling me its not time yet. Its a constant struggle. I want to be obedient and do what I know is right. But its so tough when the wrong road seems so much easier. But I'm not ready to give up yet. My eternal joy is right around the corner. I've been blessed all my life and I know I will continue to be blessed. Since I've overcome my struggles thus far I know I can handle what is yet to come. And this will be worth it! “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

thats how u feel?

2006-02-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

So here I am tryin to be genuine. I'm tryin to be a friend. And you smile in my face and bad talk me behind my back? So thats how you feel? While I'm thinking we're finally truly becoming friends you're actually makin me out to be a pest. And the worst part is I find out how you feel when I tried to stand up for you. I sure looked like a fool standing up for someone who "talks bad about me when I'm not around". I guess I shouldn't have made the effort yet again. Maybe I should leave you to your phony superficial friends. I was stupid for running behind you before, but trust, I won't do it anymore. Since my attempt at friendship is being met with contempt, I will no longer try. I'll keep my concern for those who appreciate it. And yes, this one is written to YOU!

2006-02-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

Still waiting. I love you.

to you

2006-01-30T23:46:00.000-05:00

You know who you are, my blog's #1 fan. lol. that last one wasn't for you. funny how it takes a misunderstood message for you to tell your true feelings. i'm sure you will tell me later some of those things weren't meant for me, and who knows maybe those feelings weren't for me either. but anyway, i wasn't telling you good bye forever. that message was for someone who i have no intentions of ever speaking to again. you on the other hand, i intend to keep as a friend. so although i'll never really know what part of your message was for me, and i won't jump to conclusions, know that my attempts at friendship weren't false. I'm still genuinely here.

but, now that i think about it some of those things in my blog can apply to you. i did love you (although i never told you in fear of the rejection you always showed me), and you will always be in my heart. and i do wish that you find your joy, like i've always told you, i'd rather you be happy without me than unhappy with me. but just remember, i'm here in my own way.

2006-01-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

I finally let you go. Finally got the courage to move on. It wasn't has hard as I thought it would be. My heart finally just let go. I thought I would be broken down but I feel free. I feel like a burden was lifted off my heart. I was in love you once, and I will always love you, but today I've moved on. I've found my new joy. A joy you never gave me. So today, all I can say is, I hope you find that joy for yourself. Goodbye forever.

2006-01-25T01:46:00.000-05:00

Growing up is hard to do but I think I just might make it. Its gonna be a struggle but with God at my side I'll be ok. I'm going to be fully taking over my finances and it feels kinda good to start making my own decisions. Gotta pay rent, car insurance, phone bill, cable bill, groceries, gas, and car note. And although its gonna be tough, the fact that I'm finally gaining my independence is worth it. It sad that things had to work out the way they did to get me to this point but everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for me and I'm committed to putting my trust in him. So here I go as I finally complete my journey into adulthood.

2006-01-19T20:04:00.000-05:00

I came to a realization for 2006, when you give your life fully to God things always work themselves out. Last year I didn't wait for God to work in my life. I pursued what I thought was for me. I pursued relationships and friendships that weren't beneficial to my life. Surrounded myself with the wrong people because I thought I needed them in my life. Thought my life wouldn't be complete without these people. In the end they caused me stress and pain. But after I learned my lesson God cleaned them out of my life. I can now look back on 2005 as a learning experience. Failed friendships showed me how to be more cautious about the people I surround myself with and it strengthened my appreciation for the wonderful friends I was already blessed with. Rocky relationships taught me not to chase after what God didn't prepare for me. I also know now not to settle for anything less than what I deserve, which is to be treated as a queen. As for love on the whole, I've learned to appreciate those who already love me, keep my heart open for those who may grow to love me, and not to allow my heart to be torn apart by those who never loved me at all. So for 2006 I'm waiting on the lord. Instead of acting on what I want to do, I'm gonna wait and let him work in my life.

Just to show how great God is:

This Christmas I set my heart to have the first enjoyable Christmas I've had in years. I prayed that the lord would grant me the joys of the holiday, and I had the best Christmas I could ever ask for. I enjoyed my family in a way I never thought possible.

After my last heartache I told the lord I was handing my love life over to him. I asked him to send me the man he had set out for me and help me to appreciate him when I get him. When I wasn't even looking for anyone to come into my life the lord placed someone in my life who treated me the way I'd always wanted to be treated. The lord even moved all the obstacles that were in our way so that we would be able to be together.

In my job I had one employee that seemed to live for the purpose of making everyone else's life difficult. I prayed for the strength to ignore their antics and not allow them to cause me to lose my job. I went away on vacation and when I returned I was told that that employee was being transferred to another department.

Now that I've started to really put my life in the hands of the lord, my life isn't perfect, it's not stress free, and things don't always work the way I want them to work, but its so much easier dealing with the hardships that come up when I know in my heart the lord always works things out for me.

So for 2006 my plan is to continue to pray and let him work through my life.

2006-01-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

Startin a new year. Prayin for God to work things out for me. I know February will be my month and I'll be looking foward to whats to come.

2005-12-23T03:59:00.000-05:00

Gone to the beach be back in 15 days!!! Maybe . . .

2005-12-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

I know everything I go through happens for a reason and God has a plan for my life. So I can hold my head up high and smile as I continue on my journey. I am blessed!!

2005-12-10T00:54:00.000-05:00

I've been floating on this cloud for a while now. I laid back, relaxed and just enjoyed my view of heaven. Life was filled with joy and happiness for so long. But then I hit some turbulence. I thought it was nothing an ignored it. I didn't even notice the shift in the wind or the darkening of my surrounding clouds until it was too late. My cloud was descending back to earth and there was nothing I could do to maintain the momentum. I tried all I knew to do to stay afloat. But it was to late. My cloud was falling apart. It was falling to the earth as rain, and could no longer hold my weight. I knew the fall might be coming so I braced myself for a hard landing. But I hoped and prayed, by the grace of God himself my cloud would reform. That it would return to its former glory and I could return to my view of heaven. But I hit the ground hard. Broke every part of my being. Thought I would be prepared for the impact but I guess there isn't enough preparation in the world for that kind of fall. So now I'm laying on the ground broken. I can no longer see heaven from down here, I can only close my eyes and try to remember what it was like. But its hard to picture those sunny days, when that same cloud that once lifted me so close to heaven was now raining on my mangled remains. So it seems for now those rainy days I knew before I began to float have returned.

2005-12-09T23:37:00.000-05:00

I thought I would have so much to say today. I thought this would be my longest blog ever. But I'm so disappointed in you there isn't much to say. I guess you weren't all that I thought you were.

2005-12-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

Should I write how I really feel? Should I express what I'm really thinkin right now? See, if I say how I feel it might be taken the wrong way, but if I don't say anything no one will know whats on my heart. But I'm gonna continue to do what I'm doing, bite my tongue and wait. But when the waiting is over the flood gates of my mind and heart will be open. So be prepared for what may be the longest blog ever.

Preparations

2005-12-07T02:07:00.000-05:00

Everything is up in the air right now. I don't know where I stand or what will happen next. As a result I feel a bit vulnerable. I know I'm taking a very big chance on this but its a chance worth taking. The only problem is there is a 50 - 50 chance of losing. Knowing this I've decided to prepare myself. I am preparing myself for the worst. I know there is a chance that tomorrow will bring that loss I don't really want to face. But I have to be ready for that probable outcome. I have to prepare my ears to hear the words I may not want to hear. My mind needs to be prepared to understand the words my ears will receive. My heart is going through preparations to be strong enough to withstand the sting of the words my mind will comprehend. And my soul, well my soul is steadfast and focused on God, in case all those preparations are unsuccessful. So, I guess now I'm prepared.

But honestly, I'm hoping my preparation is in vain and the odds are in my favor. I guess only time will tell.

My Prayer

2005-12-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord,
I've come to you in my times of happiness and my times of sadness. You've been my strength when I was weak and my support when I couldn't stand on my own. You've even carried me when I thought I couldn't go on. So I come to you tonight. Not knowing what direction my heart is meant to go. Not knowing the right choices to make for my life. I come to you tonight, not asking for the right answers or for forsight into my future. I come to you lord only to ask for strength in my faith. As I prepare to make decisions that may alter my life I ask that my faith in your power be renewed. I ask that you give me the strength I need to keep my heart focused on you. I know it may be hard and I know at times I might feel as though I can't go on. But with solid faith in your plan for my life I know I will always make it through. So lord, as I pray every other day, I pray today that your will and not my own be done in my life. But today, I pray for the renewed faith I know I'll need to let go of what I may want, and to stay focused on what you have predestined for my life.
Amen

Where do we go from here?

2005-12-06T00:34:00.000-05:00

I dunno what's left to do. It seems to me I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm fighting to hold on. Trying to save what we have when you've already lost interest. What's the point if I'm gonna be in this by myself? I don't want to give up on this again but it seems you already did. Are you sure you were even ready this time around or were you just out to prove something to yourself? Was this ever about how you felt about me or were you just attempting to right what you thought you did wrong? My head is just swarming with questions and each answer results in my feelings being hurt. Why did you decide to come back into my life? Why did I let myself get caught up all over again? I just don't know what we're doing anymore. I'm feeling alone in what should be a partnership. I thought if I gave 100% this time around it would be better. But maybe that was the mistake I made. I gave to much, you got comfortable, and my love went unappreciated. Maybe you should just cut me back before things get out of hand. If you know you're not willing to give the same things I'm giving you, let me go now. I'm not up for completely bending myself for your happiness when you are unwilling to be flexible for me.
Where are the little things? The moments of pure sweetness? The look in your eyes that makes me feel wanted? Its just not there. I care for you a lot. I wanna make this work. But if you aren't gonna be there with me every step of the way it won't work. I don't know what to do and I can't figure it out on my own. So where do we go from here?

2005-12-05T11:54:00.000-05:00

This Right here is so true its scary.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2005-12-03T03:54:00.000-05:00

Ok ,so I know I kinda freaked everybody out when I started talking all sad and stuff, but I am only human. A lot of people depend on me for their support and don't quite understand that sometimes I need support myself. Its hard when I'm there for other people when they're going through stuff, but then those same people can't be there for me in the same way 'cause they don't want me to bring their mood down. I know I'm expected to be tough, but my emotions are fragile. I may not want to talk about what I'm going through but I still need someone to be there for me. Even if you're just a voice on the other end of the line or comforting arms wrapped around my shoulder, sometimes that's all I need to lift my spirits. I haven't given up on God or what I know he's doin in my life, but like all people I have rough days. Those days aren't due to lack of faith, just bad things may happen to make me sad. For those who may be concerned with how to deal with me when I'm down, don't get discouraged if my spirits aren't as high as you may expect them to be. Don't give up on me if I don't immediately respond to your attempts to make me smile. When all else fails, if you really care, just come to me. Take some time out of your schedule. Take a break from your life and make your way to where I am. Even if its just to give me hug. Knowing someone cared enough to take a few minutes out of their day to lift my spirits, that's all the fuel I need to get myself back up and running. I know it works. I've done it for you. So the next time you're frustrated because you don't know what's wrong with me, or anyone else you care about for that matter, put your feelings aside, go directly to that person, and just embrace them. 'Cause sometimes all someone needs is love to remind them it's gonna be ok.

2005-11-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

It's tough bein alone.

2005-11-30T02:11:00.000-05:00

I slowly open my eyes and complete darkness engulfs me. I can't quite adjust my eyes to the light and a throbbing pain at my temple tells me why my eye won't open all the way. I try to get up to investigate my surroundings but I can't move. Pain surges through my body as I realize I'm trapped. My limbs are tied securely to what I can only assume are the posts of a bed. Panic fills my heart. I'm not sure of where I am and I can't recall how I got there, but the increasing flow of pain throughout my body tells me I'm in trouble. My eyes begin to adjust, but my unfamiliar surroundings give no clues as to where I am. Although I'm still unaware of what has happened to me, my soreness and the puddles of blood around my body let me know something brutal has occurred to me. I get nauseous and lightheaded as my senses are bombarded. The stench of putrid blood, the agonizing pain, the fear of death all overwhelm me at once causing me to go in an out of consciousness. But I begin to come to when I hear his voice. That voice from my past that sends terror through my soul. I thought I had gotten away. I thought I was no longer in his reach. But he found me. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I knew what was in store for me. He had returned to finish what he had started and this time I had no escape. No one was going to rush in and save me. All I could do was cry. Not just because of the excruciating pain I felt but because I remembered what he once did to me. Remembered how he ravished my innocent body once before. I could only imagine what he would do to my maturing body. How he would not only destroy my body but also my soul. So I'm giving up. Letting go of the life left in my body. Praying for deliverance. Praying that angels will take my soul before it begins. As I pray I can feel his breath against my face. Smell that oh too familiar stench. That sickening musk that filled my nose one two many times. And I just cry. Knowing it's pointless to fight back. I just cry. I feel the pressure of his body on mine and my silent throbs grow into terror filled screams. I scream so loud and hard I wake myself up. And here I lay on my pillow soaked with sweat and tears, reliving childhood fears. My screams have turned back to sobs. And although it was only a dream I continue to cry. The fear has me so shaken I dread my slumber. So I lay awake in fear of returning to that dreadful place. Knowing he might be awaiting my return. And although I'm awake, I'm still crying, because I know I'll eventually have to fall back asleep, and I don't know what terror might be waiting when I get there.

2005-11-30T01:35:00.000-05:00

I'm not happy. What do I do? Who knows. Life is a bit mundane. Nothing special ever seems to happen to me. The simple things in life always make me happy but the simple things don't even occur anymore. Right now I'm just goin through the motions. Going with the flow so I won't feel like I'm standing still. But the pace is so slow it feels as if I'm not moving. Moving so slow, I almost feel as though I'm moving backward. Speaking of moving backward, why does my past continue to haunt me. Seems like every time I get into a rut like this my past resurfaces to give me false hope. But oddly, even the false promises that would once give me temporary joy no longer lifts my spirits. It now just seems to haunt my dreams, or should I say nightmares. The only stimulation in my life is my fitful sleep filled with horrific images. Too horrible to even repeat in my waking hours. So heartwrenching that they can only be repeated in my prayers asking the dear lord to remove the images from my mind. Funny, the only thrill in my life is waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Maybe the unhappiness in my waking hours is seeping into my subconscious. Or maybe I'm doing the psychologist overanalyzation thing. Coming up with excuses when in actuality I'm just having bad dreams. Who knows what the hell is wrong with me.

2005-11-26T20:04:00.000-05:00

Are you reading my thoughts or are you just that great? Just when I was getting bored you switched it up on me. Sweeping me off my feet. Brightening my bleak existence. Continually reminding why it was worth that second try. Thanks baby. I love you for it.

2005-11-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm getting bored. Nothing new, no surprises. The same boring routine every week. No random romantic gestures, no exciting new places to go. Just the same thing all the time. It never switches up or strays from the mundane. So I'm just bored. I could suggest something new but that's often met with resistance. At the same time, waiting for something new is a tedious task. I'm not complaining about the regular routine. Not saying I don't enjoy it. Just saying it would be nice to have something new. Do something different. Be swept of my feet occasionally. But in my head I can already hear the retort, "its not that serious yet". So I guess I gotta learn to enjoy the repetition of my life. I guess the mundane isn't so bad as compared to nothing at all.

2005-11-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

I needed some time to think of what I wanted to do. Time to figure out if this is what I really wanted for my life. And in that time I thought of how things used to be. When we were hangin on by a thread daily. I remembered how rough it was just tryin to make it work out. And it never really seemed worth it. We both just gave up.

But then I remembered what it was like after we gave up. I remembered how much I missed you. I couldn't understand why I missed you so much when I couldn't stand you half the time we were together. I remember how lonely I was without you and how much I yearned to have you back in my life. I didn't realize how important you had become in life even while you were gettin on my nerves. I didn't think it would even hurt to let you go. But for some reason I couldn't quite move on.

And I know how blessed I was when you came back into my life. How happy I was to be able to return to your arms and feel safe, secure, and loved. I know how great things have been between us. We no longer have to force this thing to work. And although its not perfect and we still have to work at it, I know how much of a blessing and source of joy this relationship has been in my life.

So after thinking everything through and weighing all my options its obvious that there is only one solution. After weighing the negatives and positives of what our outcome may be there is only one choice I could make.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

2005-11-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

Do I love you? Yes. Just like I love all people who are close to me. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I guess if I'm not sure if my feelings are that deep then they probably aren't. Right now I don't know what I should do. I'm not quite sure if we want the same thing, and if we don't then should we even be together even if we have fun together? 'Cause although the good times are great, I wonder if there's a point to working through the bad times if there's no hope for a future. Why invest my time and love if there's an impending dead end to where this is going?
I've never asked for forever, never even asked for tomorrow, but if I can't even hope or dream of those things what's the point? Do we even want the same thing? Do we have the same expectations? Or is this just a glorified friendship? I know what I want. I want a strong relationship, built on a strong friendship. I want a companion I can lean on for affection and support. I want a relationship, that although its uncertain, like all things in life, has the potential to grow into forever. I just want to know what to expect. I've been told before at the beginning of a relationship I was not the one, but I chose to continue the relationship anyway even though I knew it was predestined for failure. I got hurt. My heart was shattered and I thought I would never recover. I just want to know if I'm back in the same situation again. Have I already been predestined to fail? If I have I want the choice to opt out in advance. To walk away before what's left of my pieced together heart is demolished.

2005-11-15T01:35:00.000-05:00

How hard is it to say I'm sorry? And what makes it so hard? It could be the humbling effect of admitting a fault, that makes people avoid those two words. Or maybe its the fear of allowing yourself to be vulnerable to reprimands for your mistakes. Whatever it is, it has kept me and everyone I care about from mastering the art of the apology. But this one humble action, the act of admitting a mistake, a fault, an unintentional offense, eludes the common man. Some would rather lose someone dear in their life in order to walk away with their pride intact even when they know a simple I'm sorry would suffice in mending all broken bridges. Most people, unless they are totally self-involved and insensitive, know when they are wrong and they know the resolution is as simple as opening their mouth. So why then, do we continue to allow our relationships to deteriorate to simply avoid admittance of the error in our ways? Who knows. But to any friends that I may have offended, any loved ones I may have hurt, and anyone else I may have acted in an ill manner towards I say . . . . I'm ah . . . well u know . . . . . . . nevermind its not important. I'm going to bed. LOL. (I myself am only human.)

2005-11-11T00:21:00.000-05:00

Its funny how the all say I'm mean but I feel like I'm too nice. I'm constantly taken advantage of. Used when needed but discarded when not. Shown love when I can do something for you or I'm doing what you want me to do but seen as mean when I decide to stand up and say no. Stepped on on a regular basis and even disrespected when theres no one else to lash out on. Why do I allow myself to be treated like this? Is it because I want to be liked? Is it because I want to have friends? NO. My theory is I'm just too nice. I do to much for people without expecting anything in return. I gve so much of myself I fail to notice the lack of reciprocity. I give love and get misused in return. I give respect and get a blatant disregard of my feelings in return. I go above and bbeyond even to the point of neglecting my well-being, and in return, nothing. I always thought if I was giving a lot of myself, even if it was too much, I'd be ok because the other person would be doing the same for me so we would balance each other out. But I failed to realize that just because I care enough to give my all doesn't mean the other person will to. So whats the solution? I could just stop giving all together, then I couldn't be taken advantage of. Or I could continue to give my all and just go on feeling drained and ill used. Or I could fine the middle ground. I guess the whole treat others the way you want to be treated is a bunch of crap. 'Cause if people treated me the way I treated them I wouldn't be so drained. And if I treated them the way they treated me I'm sure they wouldn't stick around. I guess its just another enigma of life, be nice and get used or be mean and be a bitch.

oh well, i give up.

2005-11-10T01:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not asking you for forever. I'm not even asking you for tomorrow. I'm just trying to enjoy today. Don't take my emotional proclamations as a lifetime contract. Just take it for what it is, love, in its simplest and purest form. I care about you a lot and enjoy having you in my life, as for our future together, its in God's hands. Whether we make it to the end or end and never make it, all I ask from you is to cherish what we have today. As for tomorrow, we'll face it when the sun rises.

2005-11-09T03:08:00.000-05:00

Love . . . its a scary word.

2005-11-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

Less than a year ago I started to give him my heart and then he decided to give it back and walk away. Then one day, when my guard was down he stole it back. At first I wasn't quite sure if I should let him keep it. I even took back the most valuable parts and only gave what I knew I could spare. But lately those valuable parts have been slipping through my fingers and into his hands. I just hope this time around he holds onto it and cherishes it.

Terrified

2005-11-01T00:53:00.000-05:00

I'm scared. Pretty frickin terrified. Not quite sure whats going on but I can feel something is off in my gut. The last time I felt this way the outcome wasn't good. Don't know if I'm imagining things or if something is really wrong. I think my feelings are what is really scaring me. Terrified of getting to close, caring too much, giving to much of myself. I know I gotta give it a try and allow my vulnerabilities to show, but its tough. Knowing that failure is a possibility. Knowing I might not get it right, again. And this time I have more to lose. This time I've put more of myself into this. I've made this part of my heart. Part of my being. Maybe what scares me is that I know my heart wants this too much but I might be setting myself up for disappointment. None of this makes sense and there isn't much I can do to work it out. I just gotta pray.

2005-10-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

Baby,
You're special. No matter what happens don't let anything hold you back. You are destined to do great things. You have a great heart, pure soul, and limitless talent. Stay focused and remember God has a plan for you. You'll reach heights you didn't even know you could attain. Just stay focused and keep your faith strong. You'll be fine.
-Your #1 groupie

Simply blessed

2005-10-30T23:40:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling. I'm trying to do the right things. Trying to get my life in order. Trying to stay afloat. I get stressed out sometimes. I act crazy sometimes. And at times I lose my focus. I spend to much money. I don't do enough work. Sometimes I don't leave my apartment. I unintentionally hurt those I love. I act unchristian like to people I don't like. I even talk about people I don't know just for laughs. But I always find my way back. I control my emotions and keep stress away. I work within my budget and go without at times. I sit down and study and focus on my school work. I get up and get fresh air when I feel like being lazy. I humble myself when I know I'm wrong. I even humble myself and bite my tongue when I'm pushed by those I don't like. Although I don't always do right and I don't always stay focused, because I handed my life over to HIM, I can always find my way back. Because of this I know, I'm blessed.

Changes

2005-10-26T15:25:00.000-04:00

BEFORE

AFTER

Its funny how you never notice the changes in yourself but you can see the changes happening around you. The past couple of years I've noticed how my friends and family have been transforming into new people. My best friends are adults now with their own places and kids, family members are getting married and turning into real "family people". Mom is spending more time and money on her appearance and her happiness, big sis is turning from rebel to housewife, and my big bro is being nice to me (doesn't sound like much to some but its a drastic character change). And all these changes have been brought about through time but mostly through the new people in their lives. All along I've been watching them but blind to the changes happening within myself. As DW (my bestfriend) put it, I didn't notice the "new Drea of 2005". Not until I looked in my closet recently did I see how much my attitudes have changed. Instead of black sneakers, baggy jeans, big t-shirts, and big coats, I have colorful clothes with a pair of shoes to match every shirt, and about 20 pairs of tight low rise jeans. I've gone from the everyday tomboy to some what feminine, of course with my own twist on it. Outside of my wardrobe changes my personality has began to transform. I'm no longer negative and dismal when it comes to matters of life and love. I've learned to focus on all the positve in life and work and pray through the negative. Like everyone around me, I haven't let go of what makes me me, I've just improved on it. But I am grateful for all the people God has put in my life to help me change. My friends, enemies, family, boyfriend, ex-boyfriends, and all other people who have passed through my life at sometime. I've taken a piece of everyone who has touched my life with me and used those pieces to improve myself. Now I just look foward to more changes and more improvements in my life. And I'm sure if I'm blind to the changes, someone else will point it out to me.

sometimes

2005-10-24T01:32:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm a bit crazy. And sometimes I'm very relaxed. Sometimes I'm mean. Other times I'm the sweetest girl you ever met. Sometimes I'm emotional And sometimes I'm cold. Sometimes I'm supersensitive and other times I'm tough. Sometimes I'm proud and stubborn and others I'm humble. Sometimes I want to be the center of attention, while others I want to go unnoticed. Sometimes I wanna be left alone. And sometimes more often than not, I wanna be held close. But whether I'm being mean or nice, tough or sensitive, humble or proud, I'm always me. A complicated girl who simply wants to be loved and understood. A girl who wants to be held close sometimes but still have space to breath. Just a complicated girl who simply wants to be me. Hopefully you can take me as I am, always not just sometimes.

2005-10-16T03:36:00.000-04:00

I'm fallin . . . . .(to be continued)

Moved on

2005-10-15T22:35:00.000-04:00

I heard your voice in the distance, and my heart sped up. I turned and saw your face, and I stopped breathing for a second. The odd thing is back in the day I'd feel the same way but it would be accompanied by euphoria and butterflies in my stomach, but it didn't feel like that this time. This time the feeling was accompanied by a slight feeling of nausea, anger and animosity. I used to get excited and run into your arms, my whole demeanor would lighten up. But this time I gave you the casual acquaintance hug and a dark cloud blocked my bright mood. And for once, I didn't want you. I didn't yearn for you to stay at my side. I didn't run behind you like your sad lap dog. You're just a part of my past now. And yea, I saw the way you looked at me. I felt the way you tried to hold on to me when we hugged. And I heard you when you told me I looked good. And you know what, I did look good. I probably looked better than you're used to seeing me look. Now that my existence is no longer clouded by you, my soul can shine through. My joy is written on my face. The muddled emotions of love and pain have both subsided. Now I only have joy. The joy of knowing I'm now with someone who cares for me. The joy of never having to doubt how I feel. The joy of letting go of the past and starting anew. The joy you never gave me. But I could see it in your face that you knew. You knew I had already let you go. You knew my heart was now leading me in another direction. I could tell by the defeated swagger in your walk that you knew, for the first time, I wouldn't attempt to follow. And even though you made futile last attempts to resume your hold on my heart, your power over me is now gone. I' m happy now without you. I've moved onto something better for my life. And nothing you do or say will ever make me risk losing what I have now. So, although you shook up my life for a few moments, after you walked away I was able to return to my peaceful existence. I was able to walk around the corner and into his arms. Into the arms of my new joy. After you walked away I finally got my closure and I was able to move on.

2005-10-10T21:18:00.000-04:00

They say that twins have a supernormal connection and I think maybe its true. Although my sister and I are not twins in our hearts we know we were meant to be. Born on the same day 6yrs and 5 hours apart, my sister and I have always had a connection. Although we fought like usual siblings do and couldn't stand each other when we had to share our special day, we still have an unbreakable love. No matter how much we fought, or what mean things were said we could always call on each other for love an support. As we've grown up we're still there for each other. And although we are separated by many states our bond is still strong. I can still sense when something is wrong with her even though we aren't even in the same zip code. When she's ill I can feel it in my own body. When she's depressed I can feel her heart reach out to me. She is my other half. The completion of my heart. So know that her heart is breaking, I can feel it in my soul. Now that her body is failing her I can feel it in my bones. She didn't come to me when she saw the signs and I know it was because she didn't want to burden me. But she knew I'd figure it out. She knew I'd sense her pain. But know I feel inadequate to help. I feel like I'm failing her. I don't have the power within me to remove her pain and I can't even be by her side.
But I won't give up on helping her. Although I can't be with her right now, although I can't fix all her problems, I know someone who can. So to my big sis, the love of my life, my other half, I place you in God's hands. Only he can heal your mind, body, and soul. And he is with you even when I can't be. So I'll continue to pray for you as I've done everyday since I learned how to pray. I know you'll be ok. I know God will work it out. And in the meantime I'll keep my phone by my side and try my best not to worry. I Love you sis.

Dear God Please take care of my big sis. I don't know what I'd do without her. Please be with her as she goes through her struggles and be her comfort at her bedside.

2005-10-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

It's funny how now that life is going good for me I don't have much to tell you. I guess I'm not used to expressing joy so I haven't quite mastered how to put the feeling into words. But right now I just feel blessed. God has been working overtime in my life. Hes allowed me to go through strife so that I can appreciate my blessings. I know that the hard times aren't over but I also know that God will give me the strength to get through. There were so many times when I thought I couldn't make it. I thought the sun would never shine in my life again. But God was always there to pull me through and even when I forgot he was there he placed great people in my life to remind me of his love. I just pray that my faith will stay strong and I'll be able to live my life right. But all in all I'm happy, no, I'm joy filled because I know I'm blessed.

2005-10-03T00:36:00.000-04:00

I hope you know how much I value what we have. Or atleast what we're developing. I know its not gonna be easy for both of us and our limits will be tested but I know we can get through. Founded on honesty and friendship, we can stand strong together. You are there for me when I need you and I will be there for you when you need me. So I pray that as we begin another week in our journey together that we can continue to be supportive of one another. Continue to be the listening ear in times of joy and anger. Continue to be the shoulder to cry on in times of pain. Continue to be the helping hand when we can't do it alone. And if ever you need me, no matter the time, know that I will run to your side to continue to be your support. And I pray you'd do the same for me. So as you begin your week if you feel a little overwhelmed, remember I am here, not only as your girl, but as your friend and as your support.
Sweet dreams love.

Practice

2005-09-30T00:28:00.000-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Pain!!! Who said excercise was good for you? If its so damn good why does it hurt so much? My back hurts. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. I have pains that are so bad I'm not even sure what part actually hurts. I think it just the overall body. I guess I gotta get back in shape for this dance team thing. Its about to be serious!!! Willy bounce!!!

2005-09-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

I had a terrible day. I needed you today. You weren't there. You couldn't be there. You couldn't be where I needed you. But you were standing there right beside me. Isn't is ironic? The price we pay for privacy. Is it worth the price? Should I have to pay? If I need you should I have to wait? Why should I feel awkward when I want to talk to you? Its not fair. Maybe the price is to high.

Random thoughts flowing out

2005-09-27T01:40:00.000-04:00

I can't understand the concern to get the attention of others. The persistence in changing yourself to please others. Those that you so adamantly seek to please are the same ones who sing your praises in your presence but plot your downfall in your absence. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of those who honestly care. If you could see the perfection that is you. The perfection that God created. Maybe then you wouldn't try so hard to change who you are. I wish I could find the words to explain. Find the words that would make you understand. Then maybe when you look in the mirror you would see no need for adjustments. You would see no reason to alter the natural beauty God gave. Then maybe you could see that even your slight flaws add to the perfection that is you. Your not so perfect smile gives you character. The eyes that may not see as well as you wish, can brighten up any day when they sparkle. That body that you may think is just not quite right, can make a heart skip a beat in admiration. If only you could see it. If only you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know. You're already perfect. No changes are necessary. No major or minor adjustments needed. When God created you, he made you the way you were meant to be. He made you beautiful. I hope one day you'll see it to.

2005-09-27T01:18:00.000-04:00

I want to run around and tell everyone how happy I am. How blessed I am to have you in my life. But in fear of having my happiness ruined by people who feed off of destroying the joy of others, I must hide how I feel. It's tough since I'm an affectionate person who believes in showing my feelings no matter who is watching. And its awkward not knowing how to act or what to say in front of other people. But if it will keep the negative away from what we have, I can live with the awkwardness.

Sorry I just had a random thought in the middle of the night.

2005-09-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

For some reason everyone keeps asking me whats wrong with me today. Honestly I don't know. I'm in a really odd mood that I can't quite explain. I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy either. I'm just here. Just chillin. I hate school but I gotta go. I like my job but I can't work the hours I need. And then theres my boyfriend. No major complaints there. Our schedules are a bit conflicting but we're making it work. Still in the beginning stages so I get to enjoy the honeymoon period. Nothing really exciting has happened today so I'm just here. Kinda sitting in the middle. Chillin in purgatory. Not really feelin too much. Not a very bright mood but not dark or dreary either. I hope my dim attitutde doesn't give anyone the wrong impression. I'm still blessed with more than I need. And I do appreciate all I have. I guess I'm not the everyday happy go lucky type. But I'm just chillin. So to the concerned, I'm ok.

2005-09-23T01:10:00.000-04:00

You're great. I guess thats the best way to start. It pretty much summarizes how I feel right now. I don't know how to explain it w/out screwing up. But I've been noticing the little things you do, the things I once took for granted. I didn't expect things to change so quickly. I assumed it would take a while to get readjusted. Thought it would take a while to fix the things that once went wrong. But you seem to have made those adjustments. You seem to know just what I want. You've been giving me exactly what I need. I no longer yearn for anything. I just don't know how to let you know, I'm just happy.

Alot on My Mind

2005-09-21T23:55:00.000-04:00

I got a lot of thoughts in my mind. I don't know where to start or how to organize my thoughts. Oh well, I just gotta get everything out. This will be a long one.

PartI:
For the past year I had this thought in my mind that I was on this search. The search for that perfect one. My other half. I assumed that I would just meet someone and they would fit. So I searched, I kept looking for that person. Then one day at a not so good time in my life someone from my past came up and had my head all cloudy. Even though I was already with someone I allowed this person from my past to muddle with my thoughts and feelings. Some how I got the idea that the person from my past was my other half. Although all my feelings were based on past events I just new he was the one. I continued with the relationship I was in until it ran its course, and after a bit of down time, pursued what I thought was my destiny. But then I realized I didn't know the person I swore was my other half. So many years had passed that we were no longer the same. I was in love with the 13 year old boy that bought me Elmo slippers but I was trying to make things work with the 21 year old who was bitter and seemed to despise me more than he loved me. After my brief experience with the one who was supposed to be the one, my view on love and destiny changed. I no longer have this idealized view that things will just be perfect. I realized I don't really know anything about love or relationships or how to make things work. I no longer know if there is another half to me. I don't know what I'm looking for or if I should even be looking. But I do know I want to be happy and I am willing to work for my happiness. So I will no longer try to force my destiny. I know part of my downfall was I wanted to believe that something was meant to be so I tried to make it work when it wasn't worth it. So now I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna pursue my life goal, my joy. Every year, every wish and every prayer I say is for me to find happiness. Now I know my joy has to come from within. I gotta learn to appreciate my blessings and let my downfalls go. We'll see how I do and maybe on the way I can find love.

PartII:
So now I'm making a new beginning. I'm terrified of screwing up but I'm excited about the possibilities. Now that my mind is clear and my heart has reopened anything can happen. I wanna try this time. I was quick to give up before and I was willing to try as hard as I could to let go. But now I wanna try to make it work. I just don't know how to make my self understood. I don't know how to explain what is important to me without alienating the person thats important to me. We're so different and we like different things but I know we can compromise. I just don't know when its worth it to be stern about what I want and when to let go. I don't know how to explain my actions and why I am the way I am. I just know I want to be happy and you make me happy. And since you make me happy I want to do everything in my power to make sure you feel the same way. I want to show you I appreciate the way you make me feel. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to show my feelings in a way you would understand and appreciate. I guess I'm just saying, I wanna make you as happy as you make me.

PartIII:
A friend once told me the best way to show someone you care is to give them your time. Since our time on this earth is so limited its a precious commodity. So although it may seem like I want to consume your time, understand that I want to share one of my most precious gifts with you. And if I seem very excited when you can make time for me understand that I'm just showing my appreciation for the precious gift you choose to share with me. I haven't quite figured out how to express my happiness or how to make you feel the same way. But I'll work on it. And in case you were wondering, is it worth it, to me it is.

2005-09-21T00:18:00.000-04:00

Life is funny. I was coming down off my cloud and I could see the ground getting closer. I started preparing myself for the rough landing when right when I was about to feel the impact, I never reached the ground. I figured things were too good to be true but they seem to be just right. I'm not floating on an unreal cloud anymore but my feet are still not on the ground. I'm back in reality but it still feels good. I'm not setting my expectations to high but I'm not assuming failure. I'm just happy. I know that I can hang on to this joy and I'm gonna do my best to make sure I do. Today is a new beginning for me and I just can't wait to see where my life leads me. But whatever happens I'll have no regrets 'cause everything in life has a purpose. But yea, that giddy, giggly feeling, its still here.

Just Waiting

2005-09-20T12:25:00.000-04:00

I still haven't quite come down off my cloud yet. But I know its because I'm purposely avoiding facing the situation. I'm scared of what the outcome will be. I know what I want but I'm not sure if its what I'll actually get. So to avoid the disappointment just yet I'm just gonna wait. Instead of doing what I would usually do, and force the subject while overanalyzing everything, I'm just gonna wait. I'll quietly wait for things to work themselves out. I'm hoping things work themselves out with out me screwing up. But in the meantime, with all the specifics out of my mind, I'm still as happy as I was when I began to float. I'm still giddy and giggly inside. I'm still so high I can't see the ground. So I'm gonna continue to wait. I'll wait as long as I have to. 'Cause in the meantime I can continue to float.

2005-09-18T12:48:00.000-04:00

WOW! I didn't plan for it to happen this way. I'm not even quite sure what happened. But I know it was good. Even if it was only for one day, it was the best day I've had in a long time. It was like all the good things between us were temporarily rekindled. I'm not sure what it all means. Don't know if things are gonna change between us or if it will be forgotten after today. But I do know I'm not quite ready to analyze it yet. I don't want to dissect the situation and ruin the sweet moments we had. It was like I was back in your arms and nothing mattered again. I wanted to call everybody and tell them we were back together, atleast for one day. I wanted to tell them how great you made me feel. But its not time for that right now. Right now its just time to be happy. I'm gonna enjoy how I feel. I know we're eventually gonna have to figure something out. But today, I'm gonna stay on my cloud.

Sacrifices

2005-09-14T16:22:00.000-04:00

You've burrowed your way back into my heart. You've implanted your self into my thoughts. Its getting harder and harder to move on. I thought I had it worked out. I've tried, unsuccessfully, to pretend that I hate you. I even told myself repeatedly how terrible of a person you are. I've meditated on focusing my heart and mind on all the negative things that happened between us. But for some reason, since I've seen your face its hard to remember what you did wrong. Its hard to picture anything but the good times we shared. Yea I know I said I can't stand you and the truth is I can't. Because you're making it harder on me. But I guess I'll have to let you go. I have to let you be happy. I may not be happy for a while but I'd rather you were happy without me than unhappy with me. I guess I started caring more than I thought I did. But now its time to let you go. Let you be happy. Let you have all the joy I couldn't give you. So I hope as I make this sacrifice of the heart that it won't be in vain. Find that person who will make you as happy as you made me in our limited time together, and cherish it.

2005-09-13T01:14:00.000-04:00

Don't you know I can't stand you!!! You didn't appreciate me when I was there. You didn't want the love I had for you. So obviously, I CAN'T STAND YOU. But the messed up thing is I still like you for some reason. Theres a part of me that misses you. I still get a little jealous when I see you talking to someone else. I even go soft as soon as you put your arms around me. But I still can't stand you. 'Cause after you walk away I see you give that same attention to everybody else. Then I remember how you treated me. How you always thought of me last. How you were so stuck on yourself you never took the time to make sure I was happy. How you brushed me off every time I wanted to be close to you. I can still hear you saying "I already know you're not the one for me". So as you see, I have good reason why I CAN'T STAND YOU!!!! Because although I remember all this my heart still yearns for the fun we had. When we could lock ourselves in your room for three days straight and be happy in our own little world. When we would go out make everyone around us smile just because of how happy we were. When you would hold me and we would fall asleep in each others arms. The fact that theses things are still in my mind are the main reason why I can't stand you. I can't stand the fact that a part of me still wants you. I REALLY REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU!!!!

2005-09-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

Back at school and I'm already waiting for the semester to be over. I don't want to waste the gas going or waste the energy doing the work. It seems like I've been there forever but its only been 3 years. Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to get my doctorate but I don't remember wanting to be a doctor. Who knows what I'll be when I get out of school. Probably just another broke person with a bachelors degree trying to find a job good enough to live comfortably. I haven't really put to much thought into what I'll do post-college 'cause I gotta figure out how to get out first. Only things definite in my future are I want to get married one day and raise a family. But beyond that I don't know what else lies ahead for me. I guess I gotta get my mind right and get on the ball. We'll see how that goes.

Another Birthday

2005-08-30T12:50:00.000-04:00

PART I:
I'm 21!!! I had the best birthday ever. I started celebrating a week in advance. Got to hang out with someone I had the biggest crush on in high school. Spent time with my best friend I almost never get to see. Then going out with more friends who are more than happy to go out their way to celebrate me. Of course I went to church to thank God for another year. Then bringing in the first hour on my day at on of the best musical performaces I've ever witnessed with my first legal drink in my hand. And of course the highlight was all of the phonecalls, text messages, ims, and e-mails of birthday love that were way more than expected. Blessing just keep coming. And the celebration continues.
PART II:
I was blessed to see one more year. Seems like someone out there is praying for me. Who would've thought I could make it to 21 with no kids, no diseases, and still in school working to make something of myself. Maybe my mother was right. I'm the one who'll do it right the first time. I've gained a lot of wisdom from the mistakes of others and mistakes of my own. I may still be a little shacky on what I want to do in life but I know what I don't want to do with my life. I know what choices to make and what decisions to avoid. I've been blessed with another year to work towards my goal.

2005-08-24T22:58:00.000-04:00

Nothin to say except : ONLY FIVE DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-22T05:40:00.000-04:00

I finally found true love. Well I didn't actually just find it, it was always here I just never realized it. I've been loved unconditionally and took it for granted. When I talk about this love, I'm not talking about romantic love between two people. I'm talking about true, unconditional love that only a real friend can show you. No matter how many times we fight, who was at fault, or what was said that love is always there and always strong. See, that everyday love I've been dealing with isn't that good to me. One argument can all of a sudden dissolve all love in a situation. Pride and hurt feelings can make all promises of forever null and void. But this love is steadfast. This love is so strong others have fought to tear it apart but it has only grown stronger. See this love is so true, we will fight to be a part of each others life. Can't imagine living without each other. Couldn't piss each other off enough to ever let go. That is the true love that everyone searches for. I've been lucky enough to have it most of my life. I thank God for my best friend who showed me this love and I only pray that I can do my best to show him the same love.

Crush

2005-08-16T21:49:00.000-04:00

Ok so I like this guy. Actually I like him like him, LOL. Isn't that silly? But if you knew him you'd like him too. He's not just another cute face (although he is pretty darn cute), he's the complete package. He has the brains and ambition to be something great and a personality that livens up any situation. But most importantly, he has a heart of gold. He's one of those people you'd be content with just being his friend 'cause being in his presence is just that great. But beyond all the serious stuff, he's soooooooooooooooooo cute. LOL. Nice skin, nice smile, clean cut. Those characteristics alone caught my eye. I know this all sounds cheezy but hey, cheezy is always good. It keeps you smiling!!

2005-08-16T17:26:00.000-04:00

Oh yea, although those around me are going through a lot I'm still pretty darn happy. God is blessing me everyday. Life is not perfect, but when you're blessed it seems to feel that way.

Pretty Much Family

2005-08-15T01:24:00.000-04:00

The other day I considered cutting you back all together. I found out all those things you've kept from me. And I don't know what hurt more, the things I was told or the fact that you didn't come to me first. We've been there for each other for so many years I couldn't really understand you keeping things from me. But then I thought about something I tell people all the time, you're like family. You've played such a large role in my life you've become part of my family. With that revelation I realized I couldn't cut you back. I couldn't be that hurt kid saying "I'm just not your friend anymore". See, now that we're family, I'd have to disown you. I'd have to cut a branch off of my family tree. And with that revelation I know I could never disown anyone in my family. Family is supposed to be by your side no matter what. Even when you don't know you need them. Even when you don't turn to them for help. Your family is supposed to always be your support even when you're a fuck up making the wrong decisions. So even though you haven't come to me yet, all I can do is be here for you. Be that family you may be missing. And hope that eventually you'll come to me. Although I'm mad and a little hurt, I realized I can't cut you back 'cause you're pretty much family.

2005-08-13T06:14:00.000-04:00

I finally understand why procrastination is bad. I've had something right in front of me for years and I just realised how special it really was. I procrastinated on getting rid of the negative in my life so I couldn't see the positive that was right here all along. Even after I got rid of the negative, I still procrastinated on what I should've done because I wanted to see what the world had to offer. Now that I've finally made the time to look at what I could possibly have, my chance may be lost. Due to my procrastination to work on something that could uplift my life, and my wasted time working on things that bring me down, I may have to go without what I needed all along. It sucks but atleast I finally learned life's lesson on procrastination. When you wait to long to get something done the chance may pass you by. But the next chance I get, trust me I'll make the best of the opportunity as it arises.

Stress free, Drama free

2005-08-12T15:13:00.000-04:00

When you remove stressful people and situations from your life its surprising how much you life can change. All of a sudden life doesn't seem so hard. You smile a little more. The sun seems brighter. And the every day stresses of life become more bearable. I woke up this morning and things didn't seem so bad. My phone wasn't blowing up with negative people and my day started with the potential to be something special. Today seemed different from other days. I still have the same bills to pay and I still have the same everyday worries. But today they didn't seem so intolerable. Today they were just small afterthoughts. You see, I decided to let go of the lingering negativity in my life. I let go of the people who always want to bring me down. I let go of those friendships and relationships that cause more pain than joy. And although that requires the change that I'm so afraid of, if my days continue to feel even half as good as today, its worth it. In two weeks I'll be celebrating making it through another year of my life. I plan on start the next chapter in my life with a more positive outlook on life.

2005-08-10T02:19:00.000-04:00

I'M HAPPY!! It's funny how I had a great day but I can't quite put it into words. I'm almost scared to acknowledge it 'cause I'm scared something will go wrong. Kinda got used to the drama and bullshit that life kept throwing at me. I guess I forgot about the simple joys I used to enjoy. Life seems to be coming together for me and things seem to be moving a little smoother. Lets just hope I can hang onto it just a little longer.

2005-08-09T02:13:00.000-04:00

I let you go. You let me go. We keep playing these games. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, you wanna grow old with me. So why are we running circles around each other? It was simple when we first started and love was all that mattered. When we would've done anything to be able to spend an extra moment together alone. It was pure and sweet. That first love. That love that gave us butterflies at the anticipation of seeing each other. When the greatest joy of our day was sitting on the phone and just hearing each others voice. When we would fantasize of a time when we'd be old enough to do whatever we wanted so we could see each other whenever we wanted. Now we fuss and fight so much, we're lucky to spend one weekend a month, in peace, together. Wasting time on arguments we don't even remember. Mad for weeks for no reason except not wanting to be the first to return to the other. What changed between us? We got a little older and a little wiser, but the love is still the same. So why are things so strained? What are we fighting against? What we put each other through makes no sense at all!! You show me a little love, I show you love back. Then you push me, I push back and then we both get mad and run in opposite directions. But what is the point if all roads lead us back together? Why run away from each other? Why not have the courage to sit and figure it out? Things could be so much easier if we would just let it. Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just a fool for love. But my days of playing the fool are coming to an end. Hearts are only meant to take so much. And since all the strain is always on my heart alone, its taken on as much as it can bear. So until we are ready to figure things out, I'll end the games here. I won't push you away, you won't push me away. I'll just go my way, and you'll go yours. And since all roads lead us back together, I'll see you down the road when the time is right.

Still Tryin

2005-08-05T14:09:00.000-04:00

I'm still tryin to find my way. Still tryin to find the one. Still tryin to make the right choices. Its hard to know what to do. Don't know if I should leave everything behind and start all over or stay where I am and try to make things work. Whats confusing is everytime I try to move on something from my past pulls me back. I'm not sure if its a sign that I should try to make it work or if I'm just being held back. My heart says make it work but my brain says let go of my past and never look back. Since I've been screwed by both my heart and brain before, I'm not sure which one to follow. Maybe I should just sit back and let things unfold, but then again who wants to watch life happen? I like feeling like I'm controling what happens to me. But now that I think about it, I'm never really in control. I guess my real problem is my heart and mind are always at odds. Maybe when I get them to work insync I'll be ok. 'Til then I'll keep tryin to find my way, tryin to find the one, tryin to make the right choices. So bear with me when I act a little crazy or seem a bit unsure 'cause I'm still tryin

Save the World

2005-08-03T01:21:00.000-04:00

I'm everything to everyone. First person to call and only person to come through. I'm the child who always comes home on the holidays and the friend who always calls on birthdays. I'm counselor to all with problems and babysitter for those who have kids (all free of charge of course). I'm a bank to those who are broke and a cab for those who don't want to walk. I'm the perfect house wife and maid and even the perfect part time "friend". I'm the one who always has a listening ear, open arms, and open heart. To my family I'm the perfect daughter, baby sis, best friend, aunty, counselor and mediator. To my friends I'm the one who will always comes through, never judges, and goes out of my way to ease your sorrows. To the guys who come through my life, I'm the perfect lover, friend, chef, and all other things their heart desires. To all others I'm just that chick. Either the bitch that doesn't seem to smile, or that girl who looks like she might be nice if given a chance. I'm everything to everyone, but I like it. When I have moments when I'm not sure why God made me, why he choose to save me, I remember, I'm everything to everyone, and I'm here to SAVE THE WORLD

Blessed

2005-08-01T01:07:00.000-04:00

Don't be fooled by the blue mood I'm sometimes in; I'm blessed beyond my own understanding. What I have may not seem like much to some, but if you know where I started, how far I've come, then you'd understand why I know I'm blessed. A fully furnished apartment, an SUV parked in my spot, and college tuition fully paid. Yea, I sound spoiled, but I started in a two-bedroom farmhouse with 10 people, no indoor plumbing, and a tv with only two channels that both showed the same thing. As far as I knew, I was rich. And when my family moved to the US and lived in a roach infested two bedroom apt, in the middle of the Spanish ghetto, that had to fit the four of us, I just knew I was living good. I didn't have to go out to the well to get my bath water,I had an indoor bathtub, and my tv had about 12 channels. As far as I knew, I had just gotten richer. But that never stopped me from appreciating what I had. But when I moved into a two level house with three bedrooms, four bathrooms and a basement with a bar and fireplace I knew life couldn't get better. You see to you, it might look like a simple townhouse. But to me, it's the mansion I dreamed of when I was small. And even now that I'm on my own in a simple one bedroom apartment, I still know I'm blessed. So, when you see me around with my head held high and a look of confidence on my face, its not that I'm cocky, or stuck up, or even conceited. I'm just blessed . . . and I know it.

Drama

2005-07-31T01:02:00.000-04:00

Damn homie I don't know what to tell you. Everyday there's something new. I wish I could find the solution to your problems of today but you'll just have more tomorrow. Don't get me wrong we all have problems. Even I have my own. But yours always seem a bit drastic, a bit more life or death. I dunno what to say to help these problems go away. See, my problems are more along the lines of, this week I really like somebody next week "niggas ain't sh!t". But yours are more like, where will I be living next week. I know you don't want to be in these situations but I dunno how to help you out of them. Every time you come out of one you're back in another. I try to always be there for you. I'm there by your side holding your hand along the way. But it's hard to watch someone so close to me hurt them selves so much. See, although I feel bad that you're going through so much, we both know you put yourself in these tight spots. You dig yourself in holes so deep you can't see the top to dig yourself out. But I'll always be there reaching my hand down to pull you up. Hopefully one day you'll learn from your mistakes. One day the cycle will end. Maybe one day your troubles will finally disappear. But until then, I'll be here. Here to listen. Here to be your shoulder to cry on. Here to help you up when you have no strength to stand. As always, I'll be here through all the drama

Sleep

2005-07-29T00:07:00.000-04:00

Why do you elude me? For hours, I sit and wait for you to come but you never show. I prepare myself for you every night and I lay here waiting. Waiting for you to come and put me at ease. Put my soul to rest. Waiting for you, the perfect end to any day. But you never seem to come when I want you to. You never come when you're supposed to. I wait 3-4 hours for your arrival. Doing everything in my power to get my mind off your delayed arrival. Nothing I do seems to make the time go by faster. My last resort is always turning off the lights and waiting. Waiting, in dark silence for you to make your appearance. Waiting so long, I don't even notice your arrival. Waiting so long, I've lost track of time. Waiting so long, I lose touch with my surroundings and you are able to creep up on me. Waiting so long, I finally catch you. I finally get my sleep

Angels on Earth

2005-07-28T03:13:00.000-04:00

It's funny how friends can make you forget your pain. With a listening ear and loving heart, they make your worries fade. You don't even have to say what's wrong they can hear your heart through a phone. "What did he do now?" "You know your whole family is frickin crazy." "Stop stressin, you know it'll work out." They know what to say before hello is even mumbled. And once you start whining about what went wrong, they help you see how dumb it was that you got so upset. Whether you have a broken heart, empty wallet, or just a random woe, they always know the cure. "What you need is that good stuff!! That stuff that'll make you smile, no matter what. Them damn ribs from EBONY INN NIGGA!!! Then tell whoever blew you, go f@#& themselves!!" Simple remedies that have immediate effects. Some good food, good laughs, and great company, a friend can make you forget your heart was broken yesterday. You'll forget you can't really afford the meal you're eating. 'Cause before you say you have no money, it's already paid for. You'll forget every stressful thought that ever crossed your mind. Only a good friend can do this. Its almost as if God knew you might need someone by your side. He answered your prayer for peace before it left your lips. You never have to look far or wait long. One phone call, one e-mail, one car ride, and your relief is there. Your sorrow will be lifted and your heart will be healed. The power of a friend is immeasurable. Its as if we all have our own, angels on earth

By your side

2005-07-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

Quote of the day: "No matter how strong, proud or sane you are, remember, love will make u weak in the knees, humble your heart, and drive you crazy. So be careful who you give your heart to, they'll have the power to change your soul." -More of my revelations

I finally realized I shouldn't have been there. It wasn't where I needed to be. My mind twisted and turned for a truly sleepless night. I thought being there, I would be ok. Being there, I used to feel safe. But now, when I'm there, I feel out of place. Like it's not where I belong. It's where I always wanted to be. It's where my heart feels it supposed to be. It's where I always thought you wanted me. But something changed. You don't look at me the same when I'm there. You barely even notice I'm still there. But I stayed. Stayed with hopes of "'til death do us part" in my heart. Little did I realize I was already dying. Always thought you would be my life. But it seems you might be the death of me. I'm slowly sipping the poison that is my love for you. I keep telling myself the bitter taste will be worth it in the end 'cause I'll still be there. Not quite sure if you even want me there. So I sit quietly hoping you won't notice me there. Hoping you won't remember you don't want me there. Hoping that in your lapse in remembering my presence I can stay in yours. Undetected, unnoticed, unacknowledged, but still there. But then, I realized, there wasn't where I was supposed to be. It's where I yearn to be. But right now, there isn't for me. I can't be there waiting to be acknowledged. I can't be there waiting to be shown love. I can't be there watching you waste the glory that is you on the undeserving. So, I walked away. Tears in my heart and a cry lodged in my throat, I walked away. Looking back at where I wanted to be. Hoping you'd stop me from going. Bring me back and say "Here is where you're supposed to be." But you let me go. As if there wasn't already reserved for me. As if there could be easily re-occupied. I see it in your eyes that there isn't where you want me to be. And although today I feel my heart breaking, I know, I'd do anything to be there again. To be there and feel like I belong again. To feel like you want me there again. But I'll leave this time. Terrified that someone else will take my place. Knowing to you, I'm easily replaced. I still go. I know I'll be back someday 'cause no matter how many times my heart cries, it will yearn to come back there. It will always bring me there. And I know I'll return. I'll come back and stay for as long as you'll let me. For as long as my heart can stand without breaking. I'll come back because there is where I want to be. There is where I need to be. There is where I'm destined to be. There . . . by your side.

Lost

2005-07-27T05:34:00.000-04:00

Quote of the day: "If you are ever going to see a rainbow, you have got to stand a little rain."

I don't really know where to start so I guess I'll start with where I am today. I'm a bit lost. Not quite sure, of the direction my heart has taken me in and not really sure if its safe to follow it again. I've been trying to back track and figure out how I keep going the wrong way but I can't. Funny thing is although I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong it always has the same outcome. I pray about it every night but it doesn't seem to help. Its not really that I don't think prayer is working its more that I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Actually its not that I think I'm not, more like I know I'm not. But giving up what I'm comfortable with is scarier than living lost. Does that make sense? Doesn't even make sense to me. But I'm still scared. I'd have to give up everything I know. Not sure if I'm ready yet, but I gotta get my heart and soul to that place. That place where I'll find peace. SO, I'll keep praying that the lord will change my heart and my soul so that I can find the path that I need to follow. 'cause right now I'm just LOST . . .