to you

You know who you are, my blog's #1 fan. lol. that last one wasn't for you. funny how it takes a misunderstood message for you to tell your true feelings. i'm sure you will tell me later some of those things weren't meant for me, and who knows maybe those feelings weren't for me either. but anyway, i wasn't telling you good bye forever. that message was for someone who i have no intentions of ever speaking to again. you on the other hand, i intend to keep as a friend. so although i'll never really know what part of your message was for me, and i won't jump to conclusions, know that my attempts at friendship weren't false. I'm still genuinely here.

but, now that i think about it some of those things in my blog can apply to you. i did love you (although i never told you in fear of the rejection you always showed me), and you will always be in my heart. and i do wish that you find your joy, like i've always told you, i'd rather you be happy without me than unhappy with me. but just remember, i'm here in my own way.

I finally let you go. Finally got the courage to move on. It wasn't has hard as I thought it would be. My heart finally just let go. I thought I would be broken down but I feel free. I feel like a burden was lifted off my heart. I was in love you once, and I will always love you, but today I've moved on. I've found my new joy. A joy you never gave me. So today, all I can say is, I hope you find that joy for yourself. Goodbye forever.

Growing up is hard to do but I think I just might make it. Its gonna be a struggle but with God at my side I'll be ok. I'm going to be fully taking over my finances and it feels kinda good to start making my own decisions. Gotta pay rent, car insurance, phone bill, cable bill, groceries, gas, and car note. And although its gonna be tough, the fact that I'm finally gaining my independence is worth it. It sad that things had to work out the way they did to get me to this point but everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for me and I'm committed to putting my trust in him. So here I go as I finally complete my journey into adulthood.

I came to a realization for 2006, when you give your life fully to God things always work themselves out. Last year I didn't wait for God to work in my life. I pursued what I thought was for me. I pursued relationships and friendships that weren't beneficial to my life. Surrounded myself with the wrong people because I thought I needed them in my life. Thought my life wouldn't be complete without these people. In the end they caused me stress and pain. But after I learned my lesson God cleaned them out of my life. I can now look back on 2005 as a learning experience. Failed friendships showed me how to be more cautious about the people I surround myself with and it strengthened my appreciation for the wonderful friends I was already blessed with. Rocky relationships taught me not to chase after what God didn't prepare for me. I also know now not to settle for anything less than what I deserve, which is to be treated as a queen. As for love on the whole, I've learned to appreciate those who already love me, keep my heart open for those who may grow to love me, and not to allow my heart to be torn apart by those who never loved me at all. So for 2006 I'm waiting on the lord. Instead of acting on what I want to do, I'm gonna wait and let him work in my life.

Just to show how great God is:

This Christmas I set my heart to have the first enjoyable Christmas I've had in years. I prayed that the lord would grant me the joys of the holiday, and I had the best Christmas I could ever ask for. I enjoyed my family in a way I never thought possible.

After my last heartache I told the lord I was handing my love life over to him. I asked him to send me the man he had set out for me and help me to appreciate him when I get him. When I wasn't even looking for anyone to come into my life the lord placed someone in my life who treated me the way I'd always wanted to be treated. The lord even moved all the obstacles that were in our way so that we would be able to be together.

In my job I had one employee that seemed to live for the purpose of making everyone else's life difficult. I prayed for the strength to ignore their antics and not allow them to cause me to lose my job. I went away on vacation and when I returned I was told that that employee was being transferred to another department.

Now that I've started to really put my life in the hands of the lord, my life isn't perfect, it's not stress free, and things don't always work the way I want them to work, but its so much easier dealing with the hardships that come up when I know in my heart the lord always works things out for me.

So for 2006 my plan is to continue to pray and let him work through my life.

Startin a new year. Prayin for God to work things out for me. I know February will be my month and I'll be looking foward to whats to come.