It's tough bein alone.

I slowly open my eyes and complete darkness engulfs me. I can't quite adjust my eyes to the light and a throbbing pain at my temple tells me why my eye won't open all the way. I try to get up to investigate my surroundings but I can't move. Pain surges through my body as I realize I'm trapped. My limbs are tied securely to what I can only assume are the posts of a bed. Panic fills my heart. I'm not sure of where I am and I can't recall how I got there, but the increasing flow of pain throughout my body tells me I'm in trouble. My eyes begin to adjust, but my unfamiliar surroundings give no clues as to where I am. Although I'm still unaware of what has happened to me, my soreness and the puddles of blood around my body let me know something brutal has occurred to me. I get nauseous and lightheaded as my senses are bombarded. The stench of putrid blood, the agonizing pain, the fear of death all overwhelm me at once causing me to go in an out of consciousness. But I begin to come to when I hear his voice. That voice from my past that sends terror through my soul. I thought I had gotten away. I thought I was no longer in his reach. But he found me. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I knew what was in store for me. He had returned to finish what he had started and this time I had no escape. No one was going to rush in and save me. All I could do was cry. Not just because of the excruciating pain I felt but because I remembered what he once did to me. Remembered how he ravished my innocent body once before. I could only imagine what he would do to my maturing body. How he would not only destroy my body but also my soul. So I'm giving up. Letting go of the life left in my body. Praying for deliverance. Praying that angels will take my soul before it begins. As I pray I can feel his breath against my face. Smell that oh too familiar stench. That sickening musk that filled my nose one two many times. And I just cry. Knowing it's pointless to fight back. I just cry. I feel the pressure of his body on mine and my silent throbs grow into terror filled screams. I scream so loud and hard I wake myself up. And here I lay on my pillow soaked with sweat and tears, reliving childhood fears. My screams have turned back to sobs. And although it was only a dream I continue to cry. The fear has me so shaken I dread my slumber. So I lay awake in fear of returning to that dreadful place. Knowing he might be awaiting my return. And although I'm awake, I'm still crying, because I know I'll eventually have to fall back asleep, and I don't know what terror might be waiting when I get there.

I'm not happy. What do I do? Who knows. Life is a bit mundane. Nothing special ever seems to happen to me. The simple things in life always make me happy but the simple things don't even occur anymore. Right now I'm just goin through the motions. Going with the flow so I won't feel like I'm standing still. But the pace is so slow it feels as if I'm not moving. Moving so slow, I almost feel as though I'm moving backward. Speaking of moving backward, why does my past continue to haunt me. Seems like every time I get into a rut like this my past resurfaces to give me false hope. But oddly, even the false promises that would once give me temporary joy no longer lifts my spirits. It now just seems to haunt my dreams, or should I say nightmares. The only stimulation in my life is my fitful sleep filled with horrific images. Too horrible to even repeat in my waking hours. So heartwrenching that they can only be repeated in my prayers asking the dear lord to remove the images from my mind. Funny, the only thrill in my life is waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. Maybe the unhappiness in my waking hours is seeping into my subconscious. Or maybe I'm doing the psychologist overanalyzation thing. Coming up with excuses when in actuality I'm just having bad dreams. Who knows what the hell is wrong with me.

Are you reading my thoughts or are you just that great? Just when I was getting bored you switched it up on me. Sweeping me off my feet. Brightening my bleak existence. Continually reminding why it was worth that second try. Thanks baby. I love you for it.

I'm getting bored. Nothing new, no surprises. The same boring routine every week. No random romantic gestures, no exciting new places to go. Just the same thing all the time. It never switches up or strays from the mundane. So I'm just bored. I could suggest something new but that's often met with resistance. At the same time, waiting for something new is a tedious task. I'm not complaining about the regular routine. Not saying I don't enjoy it. Just saying it would be nice to have something new. Do something different. Be swept of my feet occasionally. But in my head I can already hear the retort, "its not that serious yet". So I guess I gotta learn to enjoy the repetition of my life. I guess the mundane isn't so bad as compared to nothing at all.

I needed some time to think of what I wanted to do. Time to figure out if this is what I really wanted for my life. And in that time I thought of how things used to be. When we were hangin on by a thread daily. I remembered how rough it was just tryin to make it work out. And it never really seemed worth it. We both just gave up.

But then I remembered what it was like after we gave up. I remembered how much I missed you. I couldn't understand why I missed you so much when I couldn't stand you half the time we were together. I remember how lonely I was without you and how much I yearned to have you back in my life. I didn't realize how important you had become in life even while you were gettin on my nerves. I didn't think it would even hurt to let you go. But for some reason I couldn't quite move on.

And I know how blessed I was when you came back into my life. How happy I was to be able to return to your arms and feel safe, secure, and loved. I know how great things have been between us. We no longer have to force this thing to work. And although its not perfect and we still have to work at it, I know how much of a blessing and source of joy this relationship has been in my life.

So after thinking everything through and weighing all my options its obvious that there is only one solution. After weighing the negatives and positives of what our outcome may be there is only one choice I could make.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Do I love you? Yes. Just like I love all people who are close to me. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I guess if I'm not sure if my feelings are that deep then they probably aren't. Right now I don't know what I should do. I'm not quite sure if we want the same thing, and if we don't then should we even be together even if we have fun together? 'Cause although the good times are great, I wonder if there's a point to working through the bad times if there's no hope for a future. Why invest my time and love if there's an impending dead end to where this is going?
I've never asked for forever, never even asked for tomorrow, but if I can't even hope or dream of those things what's the point? Do we even want the same thing? Do we have the same expectations? Or is this just a glorified friendship? I know what I want. I want a strong relationship, built on a strong friendship. I want a companion I can lean on for affection and support. I want a relationship, that although its uncertain, like all things in life, has the potential to grow into forever. I just want to know what to expect. I've been told before at the beginning of a relationship I was not the one, but I chose to continue the relationship anyway even though I knew it was predestined for failure. I got hurt. My heart was shattered and I thought I would never recover. I just want to know if I'm back in the same situation again. Have I already been predestined to fail? If I have I want the choice to opt out in advance. To walk away before what's left of my pieced together heart is demolished.

How hard is it to say I'm sorry? And what makes it so hard? It could be the humbling effect of admitting a fault, that makes people avoid those two words. Or maybe its the fear of allowing yourself to be vulnerable to reprimands for your mistakes. Whatever it is, it has kept me and everyone I care about from mastering the art of the apology. But this one humble action, the act of admitting a mistake, a fault, an unintentional offense, eludes the common man. Some would rather lose someone dear in their life in order to walk away with their pride intact even when they know a simple I'm sorry would suffice in mending all broken bridges. Most people, unless they are totally self-involved and insensitive, know when they are wrong and they know the resolution is as simple as opening their mouth. So why then, do we continue to allow our relationships to deteriorate to simply avoid admittance of the error in our ways? Who knows. But to any friends that I may have offended, any loved ones I may have hurt, and anyone else I may have acted in an ill manner towards I say . . . . I'm ah . . . well u know . . . . . . . nevermind its not important. I'm going to bed. LOL. (I myself am only human.)

Its funny how the all say I'm mean but I feel like I'm too nice. I'm constantly taken advantage of. Used when needed but discarded when not. Shown love when I can do something for you or I'm doing what you want me to do but seen as mean when I decide to stand up and say no. Stepped on on a regular basis and even disrespected when theres no one else to lash out on. Why do I allow myself to be treated like this? Is it because I want to be liked? Is it because I want to have friends? NO. My theory is I'm just too nice. I do to much for people without expecting anything in return. I gve so much of myself I fail to notice the lack of reciprocity. I give love and get misused in return. I give respect and get a blatant disregard of my feelings in return. I go above and bbeyond even to the point of neglecting my well-being, and in return, nothing. I always thought if I was giving a lot of myself, even if it was too much, I'd be ok because the other person would be doing the same for me so we would balance each other out. But I failed to realize that just because I care enough to give my all doesn't mean the other person will to. So whats the solution? I could just stop giving all together, then I couldn't be taken advantage of. Or I could continue to give my all and just go on feeling drained and ill used. Or I could fine the middle ground. I guess the whole treat others the way you want to be treated is a bunch of crap. 'Cause if people treated me the way I treated them I wouldn't be so drained. And if I treated them the way they treated me I'm sure they wouldn't stick around. I guess its just another enigma of life, be nice and get used or be mean and be a bitch.

oh well, i give up.

I'm not asking you for forever. I'm not even asking you for tomorrow. I'm just trying to enjoy today. Don't take my emotional proclamations as a lifetime contract. Just take it for what it is, love, in its simplest and purest form. I care about you a lot and enjoy having you in my life, as for our future together, its in God's hands. Whether we make it to the end or end and never make it, all I ask from you is to cherish what we have today. As for tomorrow, we'll face it when the sun rises.

Love . . . its a scary word.

Less than a year ago I started to give him my heart and then he decided to give it back and walk away. Then one day, when my guard was down he stole it back. At first I wasn't quite sure if I should let him keep it. I even took back the most valuable parts and only gave what I knew I could spare. But lately those valuable parts have been slipping through my fingers and into his hands. I just hope this time around he holds onto it and cherishes it.

Terrified

I'm scared. Pretty frickin terrified. Not quite sure whats going on but I can feel something is off in my gut. The last time I felt this way the outcome wasn't good. Don't know if I'm imagining things or if something is really wrong. I think my feelings are what is really scaring me. Terrified of getting to close, caring too much, giving to much of myself. I know I gotta give it a try and allow my vulnerabilities to show, but its tough. Knowing that failure is a possibility. Knowing I might not get it right, again. And this time I have more to lose. This time I've put more of myself into this. I've made this part of my heart. Part of my being. Maybe what scares me is that I know my heart wants this too much but I might be setting myself up for disappointment. None of this makes sense and there isn't much I can do to work it out. I just gotta pray.