Gone to the beach be back in 15 days!!! Maybe . . .

I know everything I go through happens for a reason and God has a plan for my life. So I can hold my head up high and smile as I continue on my journey. I am blessed!!

I've been floating on this cloud for a while now. I laid back, relaxed and just enjoyed my view of heaven. Life was filled with joy and happiness for so long. But then I hit some turbulence. I thought it was nothing an ignored it. I didn't even notice the shift in the wind or the darkening of my surrounding clouds until it was too late. My cloud was descending back to earth and there was nothing I could do to maintain the momentum. I tried all I knew to do to stay afloat. But it was to late. My cloud was falling apart. It was falling to the earth as rain, and could no longer hold my weight. I knew the fall might be coming so I braced myself for a hard landing. But I hoped and prayed, by the grace of God himself my cloud would reform. That it would return to its former glory and I could return to my view of heaven. But I hit the ground hard. Broke every part of my being. Thought I would be prepared for the impact but I guess there isn't enough preparation in the world for that kind of fall. So now I'm laying on the ground broken. I can no longer see heaven from down here, I can only close my eyes and try to remember what it was like. But its hard to picture those sunny days, when that same cloud that once lifted me so close to heaven was now raining on my mangled remains. So it seems for now those rainy days I knew before I began to float have returned.

I thought I would have so much to say today. I thought this would be my longest blog ever. But I'm so disappointed in you there isn't much to say. I guess you weren't all that I thought you were.

Should I write how I really feel? Should I express what I'm really thinkin right now? See, if I say how I feel it might be taken the wrong way, but if I don't say anything no one will know whats on my heart. But I'm gonna continue to do what I'm doing, bite my tongue and wait. But when the waiting is over the flood gates of my mind and heart will be open. So be prepared for what may be the longest blog ever.

Preparations

Everything is up in the air right now. I don't know where I stand or what will happen next. As a result I feel a bit vulnerable. I know I'm taking a very big chance on this but its a chance worth taking. The only problem is there is a 50 - 50 chance of losing. Knowing this I've decided to prepare myself. I am preparing myself for the worst. I know there is a chance that tomorrow will bring that loss I don't really want to face. But I have to be ready for that probable outcome. I have to prepare my ears to hear the words I may not want to hear. My mind needs to be prepared to understand the words my ears will receive. My heart is going through preparations to be strong enough to withstand the sting of the words my mind will comprehend. And my soul, well my soul is steadfast and focused on God, in case all those preparations are unsuccessful. So, I guess now I'm prepared.

But honestly, I'm hoping my preparation is in vain and the odds are in my favor. I guess only time will tell.

My Prayer

Dear Lord,
I've come to you in my times of happiness and my times of sadness. You've been my strength when I was weak and my support when I couldn't stand on my own. You've even carried me when I thought I couldn't go on. So I come to you tonight. Not knowing what direction my heart is meant to go. Not knowing the right choices to make for my life. I come to you tonight, not asking for the right answers or for forsight into my future. I come to you lord only to ask for strength in my faith. As I prepare to make decisions that may alter my life I ask that my faith in your power be renewed. I ask that you give me the strength I need to keep my heart focused on you. I know it may be hard and I know at times I might feel as though I can't go on. But with solid faith in your plan for my life I know I will always make it through. So lord, as I pray every other day, I pray today that your will and not my own be done in my life. But today, I pray for the renewed faith I know I'll need to let go of what I may want, and to stay focused on what you have predestined for my life.
Amen

Where do we go from here?

I dunno what's left to do. It seems to me I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm fighting to hold on. Trying to save what we have when you've already lost interest. What's the point if I'm gonna be in this by myself? I don't want to give up on this again but it seems you already did. Are you sure you were even ready this time around or were you just out to prove something to yourself? Was this ever about how you felt about me or were you just attempting to right what you thought you did wrong? My head is just swarming with questions and each answer results in my feelings being hurt. Why did you decide to come back into my life? Why did I let myself get caught up all over again? I just don't know what we're doing anymore. I'm feeling alone in what should be a partnership. I thought if I gave 100% this time around it would be better. But maybe that was the mistake I made. I gave to much, you got comfortable, and my love went unappreciated. Maybe you should just cut me back before things get out of hand. If you know you're not willing to give the same things I'm giving you, let me go now. I'm not up for completely bending myself for your happiness when you are unwilling to be flexible for me.
Where are the little things? The moments of pure sweetness? The look in your eyes that makes me feel wanted? Its just not there. I care for you a lot. I wanna make this work. But if you aren't gonna be there with me every step of the way it won't work. I don't know what to do and I can't figure it out on my own. So where do we go from here?

This Right here is so true its scary.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Ok ,so I know I kinda freaked everybody out when I started talking all sad and stuff, but I am only human. A lot of people depend on me for their support and don't quite understand that sometimes I need support myself. Its hard when I'm there for other people when they're going through stuff, but then those same people can't be there for me in the same way 'cause they don't want me to bring their mood down. I know I'm expected to be tough, but my emotions are fragile. I may not want to talk about what I'm going through but I still need someone to be there for me. Even if you're just a voice on the other end of the line or comforting arms wrapped around my shoulder, sometimes that's all I need to lift my spirits. I haven't given up on God or what I know he's doin in my life, but like all people I have rough days. Those days aren't due to lack of faith, just bad things may happen to make me sad. For those who may be concerned with how to deal with me when I'm down, don't get discouraged if my spirits aren't as high as you may expect them to be. Don't give up on me if I don't immediately respond to your attempts to make me smile. When all else fails, if you really care, just come to me. Take some time out of your schedule. Take a break from your life and make your way to where I am. Even if its just to give me hug. Knowing someone cared enough to take a few minutes out of their day to lift my spirits, that's all the fuel I need to get myself back up and running. I know it works. I've done it for you. So the next time you're frustrated because you don't know what's wrong with me, or anyone else you care about for that matter, put your feelings aside, go directly to that person, and just embrace them. 'Cause sometimes all someone needs is love to remind them it's gonna be ok.