Alot on My Mind

I got a lot of thoughts in my mind. I don't know where to start or how to organize my thoughts. Oh well, I just gotta get everything out. This will be a long one.

PartI:
For the past year I had this thought in my mind that I was on this search. The search for that perfect one. My other half. I assumed that I would just meet someone and they would fit. So I searched, I kept looking for that person. Then one day at a not so good time in my life someone from my past came up and had my head all cloudy. Even though I was already with someone I allowed this person from my past to muddle with my thoughts and feelings. Some how I got the idea that the person from my past was my other half. Although all my feelings were based on past events I just new he was the one. I continued with the relationship I was in until it ran its course, and after a bit of down time, pursued what I thought was my destiny. But then I realized I didn't know the person I swore was my other half. So many years had passed that we were no longer the same. I was in love with the 13 year old boy that bought me Elmo slippers but I was trying to make things work with the 21 year old who was bitter and seemed to despise me more than he loved me. After my brief experience with the one who was supposed to be the one, my view on love and destiny changed. I no longer have this idealized view that things will just be perfect. I realized I don't really know anything about love or relationships or how to make things work. I no longer know if there is another half to me. I don't know what I'm looking for or if I should even be looking. But I do know I want to be happy and I am willing to work for my happiness. So I will no longer try to force my destiny. I know part of my downfall was I wanted to believe that something was meant to be so I tried to make it work when it wasn't worth it. So now I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna pursue my life goal, my joy. Every year, every wish and every prayer I say is for me to find happiness. Now I know my joy has to come from within. I gotta learn to appreciate my blessings and let my downfalls go. We'll see how I do and maybe on the way I can find love.

PartII:
So now I'm making a new beginning. I'm terrified of screwing up but I'm excited about the possibilities. Now that my mind is clear and my heart has reopened anything can happen. I wanna try this time. I was quick to give up before and I was willing to try as hard as I could to let go. But now I wanna try to make it work. I just don't know how to make my self understood. I don't know how to explain what is important to me without alienating the person thats important to me. We're so different and we like different things but I know we can compromise. I just don't know when its worth it to be stern about what I want and when to let go. I don't know how to explain my actions and why I am the way I am. I just know I want to be happy and you make me happy. And since you make me happy I want to do everything in my power to make sure you feel the same way. I want to show you I appreciate the way you make me feel. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to show my feelings in a way you would understand and appreciate. I guess I'm just saying, I wanna make you as happy as you make me.

PartIII:
A friend once told me the best way to show someone you care is to give them your time. Since our time on this earth is so limited its a precious commodity. So although it may seem like I want to consume your time, understand that I want to share one of my most precious gifts with you. And if I seem very excited when you can make time for me understand that I'm just showing my appreciation for the precious gift you choose to share with me. I haven't quite figured out how to express my happiness or how to make you feel the same way. But I'll work on it. And in case you were wondering, is it worth it, to me it is.