Practice

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Pain!!! Who said excercise was good for you? If its so damn good why does it hurt so much? My back hurts. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. I have pains that are so bad I'm not even sure what part actually hurts. I think it just the overall body. I guess I gotta get back in shape for this dance team thing. Its about to be serious!!! Willy bounce!!!

I had a terrible day. I needed you today. You weren't there. You couldn't be there. You couldn't be where I needed you. But you were standing there right beside me. Isn't is ironic? The price we pay for privacy. Is it worth the price? Should I have to pay? If I need you should I have to wait? Why should I feel awkward when I want to talk to you? Its not fair. Maybe the price is to high.

Random thoughts flowing out

I can't understand the concern to get the attention of others. The persistence in changing yourself to please others. Those that you so adamantly seek to please are the same ones who sing your praises in your presence but plot your downfall in your absence. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of those who honestly care. If you could see the perfection that is you. The perfection that God created. Maybe then you wouldn't try so hard to change who you are. I wish I could find the words to explain. Find the words that would make you understand. Then maybe when you look in the mirror you would see no need for adjustments. You would see no reason to alter the natural beauty God gave. Then maybe you could see that even your slight flaws add to the perfection that is you. Your not so perfect smile gives you character. The eyes that may not see as well as you wish, can brighten up any day when they sparkle. That body that you may think is just not quite right, can make a heart skip a beat in admiration. If only you could see it. If only you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know. You're already perfect. No changes are necessary. No major or minor adjustments needed. When God created you, he made you the way you were meant to be. He made you beautiful. I hope one day you'll see it to.

I want to run around and tell everyone how happy I am. How blessed I am to have you in my life. But in fear of having my happiness ruined by people who feed off of destroying the joy of others, I must hide how I feel. It's tough since I'm an affectionate person who believes in showing my feelings no matter who is watching. And its awkward not knowing how to act or what to say in front of other people. But if it will keep the negative away from what we have, I can live with the awkwardness.

Sorry I just had a random thought in the middle of the night.

For some reason everyone keeps asking me whats wrong with me today. Honestly I don't know. I'm in a really odd mood that I can't quite explain. I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy either. I'm just here. Just chillin. I hate school but I gotta go. I like my job but I can't work the hours I need. And then theres my boyfriend. No major complaints there. Our schedules are a bit conflicting but we're making it work. Still in the beginning stages so I get to enjoy the honeymoon period. Nothing really exciting has happened today so I'm just here. Kinda sitting in the middle. Chillin in purgatory. Not really feelin too much. Not a very bright mood but not dark or dreary either. I hope my dim attitutde doesn't give anyone the wrong impression. I'm still blessed with more than I need. And I do appreciate all I have. I guess I'm not the everyday happy go lucky type. But I'm just chillin. So to the concerned, I'm ok.

You're great. I guess thats the best way to start. It pretty much summarizes how I feel right now. I don't know how to explain it w/out screwing up. But I've been noticing the little things you do, the things I once took for granted. I didn't expect things to change so quickly. I assumed it would take a while to get readjusted. Thought it would take a while to fix the things that once went wrong. But you seem to have made those adjustments. You seem to know just what I want. You've been giving me exactly what I need. I no longer yearn for anything. I just don't know how to let you know, I'm just happy.

Alot on My Mind

I got a lot of thoughts in my mind. I don't know where to start or how to organize my thoughts. Oh well, I just gotta get everything out. This will be a long one.

PartI:
For the past year I had this thought in my mind that I was on this search. The search for that perfect one. My other half. I assumed that I would just meet someone and they would fit. So I searched, I kept looking for that person. Then one day at a not so good time in my life someone from my past came up and had my head all cloudy. Even though I was already with someone I allowed this person from my past to muddle with my thoughts and feelings. Some how I got the idea that the person from my past was my other half. Although all my feelings were based on past events I just new he was the one. I continued with the relationship I was in until it ran its course, and after a bit of down time, pursued what I thought was my destiny. But then I realized I didn't know the person I swore was my other half. So many years had passed that we were no longer the same. I was in love with the 13 year old boy that bought me Elmo slippers but I was trying to make things work with the 21 year old who was bitter and seemed to despise me more than he loved me. After my brief experience with the one who was supposed to be the one, my view on love and destiny changed. I no longer have this idealized view that things will just be perfect. I realized I don't really know anything about love or relationships or how to make things work. I no longer know if there is another half to me. I don't know what I'm looking for or if I should even be looking. But I do know I want to be happy and I am willing to work for my happiness. So I will no longer try to force my destiny. I know part of my downfall was I wanted to believe that something was meant to be so I tried to make it work when it wasn't worth it. So now I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna pursue my life goal, my joy. Every year, every wish and every prayer I say is for me to find happiness. Now I know my joy has to come from within. I gotta learn to appreciate my blessings and let my downfalls go. We'll see how I do and maybe on the way I can find love.

PartII:
So now I'm making a new beginning. I'm terrified of screwing up but I'm excited about the possibilities. Now that my mind is clear and my heart has reopened anything can happen. I wanna try this time. I was quick to give up before and I was willing to try as hard as I could to let go. But now I wanna try to make it work. I just don't know how to make my self understood. I don't know how to explain what is important to me without alienating the person thats important to me. We're so different and we like different things but I know we can compromise. I just don't know when its worth it to be stern about what I want and when to let go. I don't know how to explain my actions and why I am the way I am. I just know I want to be happy and you make me happy. And since you make me happy I want to do everything in my power to make sure you feel the same way. I want to show you I appreciate the way you make me feel. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to show my feelings in a way you would understand and appreciate. I guess I'm just saying, I wanna make you as happy as you make me.

PartIII:
A friend once told me the best way to show someone you care is to give them your time. Since our time on this earth is so limited its a precious commodity. So although it may seem like I want to consume your time, understand that I want to share one of my most precious gifts with you. And if I seem very excited when you can make time for me understand that I'm just showing my appreciation for the precious gift you choose to share with me. I haven't quite figured out how to express my happiness or how to make you feel the same way. But I'll work on it. And in case you were wondering, is it worth it, to me it is.

Life is funny. I was coming down off my cloud and I could see the ground getting closer. I started preparing myself for the rough landing when right when I was about to feel the impact, I never reached the ground. I figured things were too good to be true but they seem to be just right. I'm not floating on an unreal cloud anymore but my feet are still not on the ground. I'm back in reality but it still feels good. I'm not setting my expectations to high but I'm not assuming failure. I'm just happy. I know that I can hang on to this joy and I'm gonna do my best to make sure I do. Today is a new beginning for me and I just can't wait to see where my life leads me. But whatever happens I'll have no regrets 'cause everything in life has a purpose. But yea, that giddy, giggly feeling, its still here.

Just Waiting

I still haven't quite come down off my cloud yet. But I know its because I'm purposely avoiding facing the situation. I'm scared of what the outcome will be. I know what I want but I'm not sure if its what I'll actually get. So to avoid the disappointment just yet I'm just gonna wait. Instead of doing what I would usually do, and force the subject while overanalyzing everything, I'm just gonna wait. I'll quietly wait for things to work themselves out. I'm hoping things work themselves out with out me screwing up. But in the meantime, with all the specifics out of my mind, I'm still as happy as I was when I began to float. I'm still giddy and giggly inside. I'm still so high I can't see the ground. So I'm gonna continue to wait. I'll wait as long as I have to. 'Cause in the meantime I can continue to float.

WOW! I didn't plan for it to happen this way. I'm not even quite sure what happened. But I know it was good. Even if it was only for one day, it was the best day I've had in a long time. It was like all the good things between us were temporarily rekindled. I'm not sure what it all means. Don't know if things are gonna change between us or if it will be forgotten after today. But I do know I'm not quite ready to analyze it yet. I don't want to dissect the situation and ruin the sweet moments we had. It was like I was back in your arms and nothing mattered again. I wanted to call everybody and tell them we were back together, atleast for one day. I wanted to tell them how great you made me feel. But its not time for that right now. Right now its just time to be happy. I'm gonna enjoy how I feel. I know we're eventually gonna have to figure something out. But today, I'm gonna stay on my cloud.

Sacrifices

You've burrowed your way back into my heart. You've implanted your self into my thoughts. Its getting harder and harder to move on. I thought I had it worked out. I've tried, unsuccessfully, to pretend that I hate you. I even told myself repeatedly how terrible of a person you are. I've meditated on focusing my heart and mind on all the negative things that happened between us. But for some reason, since I've seen your face its hard to remember what you did wrong. Its hard to picture anything but the good times we shared. Yea I know I said I can't stand you and the truth is I can't. Because you're making it harder on me. But I guess I'll have to let you go. I have to let you be happy. I may not be happy for a while but I'd rather you were happy without me than unhappy with me. I guess I started caring more than I thought I did. But now its time to let you go. Let you be happy. Let you have all the joy I couldn't give you. So I hope as I make this sacrifice of the heart that it won't be in vain. Find that person who will make you as happy as you made me in our limited time together, and cherish it.

Don't you know I can't stand you!!! You didn't appreciate me when I was there. You didn't want the love I had for you. So obviously, I CAN'T STAND YOU. But the messed up thing is I still like you for some reason. Theres a part of me that misses you. I still get a little jealous when I see you talking to someone else. I even go soft as soon as you put your arms around me. But I still can't stand you. 'Cause after you walk away I see you give that same attention to everybody else. Then I remember how you treated me. How you always thought of me last. How you were so stuck on yourself you never took the time to make sure I was happy. How you brushed me off every time I wanted to be close to you. I can still hear you saying "I already know you're not the one for me". So as you see, I have good reason why I CAN'T STAND YOU!!!! Because although I remember all this my heart still yearns for the fun we had. When we could lock ourselves in your room for three days straight and be happy in our own little world. When we would go out make everyone around us smile just because of how happy we were. When you would hold me and we would fall asleep in each others arms. The fact that theses things are still in my mind are the main reason why I can't stand you. I can't stand the fact that a part of me still wants you. I REALLY REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU!!!!

Back at school and I'm already waiting for the semester to be over. I don't want to waste the gas going or waste the energy doing the work. It seems like I've been there forever but its only been 3 years. Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to get my doctorate but I don't remember wanting to be a doctor. Who knows what I'll be when I get out of school. Probably just another broke person with a bachelors degree trying to find a job good enough to live comfortably. I haven't really put to much thought into what I'll do post-college 'cause I gotta figure out how to get out first. Only things definite in my future are I want to get married one day and raise a family. But beyond that I don't know what else lies ahead for me. I guess I gotta get my mind right and get on the ball. We'll see how that goes.